It’s that time again for thinking about the new year ahead and what aspirations we may have for ourselves. The beginning of a new year can awaken motivation to engage in habits, activities and goals that are good for us. For example, we might want to stop drinking or smoking, exercise more, be more patient with our spouse and children, eat healthier, treat ourselves with more kindness, or carve out more opportunities for fun and pleasure.

This is also a good time to embark on a particular transformative endeavor regarding your important relationships, partnership or marriage. I invite you to take a look at your relationship dynamics and see what is and is not working well.

When specific dynamics between people happen over and over again, a pattern sets in. Each of us contributes a mix of positive/helpful qualities and “negative”/unhelpful qualities to the dynamics. There are things we do and say that contribute to the health and joy in our relationships (such as open communication, fun, and mutual support) and other behaviors or patterns that can be challenging and harmful (such as criticism and defensiveness).

Where do these patterns come from? Just like the different colors woven together to make patterns in a tapestry, our own childhoods and past life experiences color our behavioral patterns in our relationships. The common patterns we see in relationships involve how partners interact with each other, such as how disagreements and conflicts are managed, the way we handle our own distress, if and how emotions are expressed, how decisions are made, and whether each partner can show vulnerability. Patterns (helpful or unhelpful) in any of these areas significantly impact the quality of our relationships.

Here are some common positive patterns that create a sense of closeness, connection and safety:

Healthy communication: Openly sharing thoughts, feelings, and needs; listening to each other with the intent to understand; working together as a team to find solutions to problems; avoiding fights through kindness, respect, and listening.

Focus more on the positive: Offering compliments; acknowledging each other’s efforts; sharing often what we appreciate about each other; having a positivity bias (viewing each other in a positive light).

Emotional intimacy: Letting ourselves be seen and understood by sharing our feelings through mutual authenticity; accepting the other’s inner experience; staying respectful and curious about the other’s feelings, even when we don’t feel the same way.

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Mutual respect: Treating each other with consideration and kindness, even when we don’t agree. Seeing and respecting the other as an autonomous, separate person who has their own background, experiences, and perspectives.

Apologies and repair: Being able to reflect on our own behavior; offering empathy in response to any negative impact of our words and actions; taking responsibility for one’s behavior, apologizing and working on discontinuing unhelpful behavior patterns.

Supporting each other’s dreams: Placing value on each other’s interests, passions and creativity through mutual support; encouraging each other’s special skills, talents, and gifts; being a cheerleader for each other.

Having hard conversations: Facing problems and challenges; not avoiding discussing difficult topics; trusting that through healthy communication, each will be listened to and respected; valuing how closeness comes from handling differences in a kind, team-oriented way.

Affection and sexuality: Enjoying non-sexual touch (holding hands, cuddling, etc.); having conversations about one’s sexual preferences and desires freely and consensually.

Sharing a growth mindset: Bringing conscious awareness and self-reflection to the relationship; looking at early conditioning; intentionally doing things together to foster closeness; exploring what we can learn about ourselves through any challenges that arise; valuing the prospect of growing closer through authenticity.

With daily intention and effort, we can improve the quality of our relationships. Part of this is noticing when we fall into any of the following negative patterns that can create distance, hurt, fear, and resentment, such as:

Criticism: Name-calling (“There you go again, being lazy!”); using “You” statements (“You are ruining this vacation!”); making shaming remarks (“I can’t believe you didn’t know this”); focusing on flaws; communicating with a disapproving, lecturing, intimidating tone.

Defensiveness: Instead of hearing what the other is trying to say, immediately reacting by defending oneself, criticizing, shifting blame to the other, justifying our behavior.

Shutting down: Withdrawing emotionally; refusing to communicate or engage in discussion; giving the silent treatment; not letting the other know what is going on inside of us.

Explosive anger: Losing control over what we do and say; yelling, name-calling, criticizing, threatening, becoming violent, breaking things; intimidating gestures and posture.

Stuffing anger: Denying to ourselves that we feel anger or not expressing anger and letting it brew under the surface; letting it out “sideways” through making snide remarks, being impatient, being “passive-aggressive” (such as not following through with a task we have agreed to do).

Not asking for support and help: Being overly self-reliant — not allowing ourselves to benefit from others’ help, guidance, and support; not trusting others, believing we then “owe” someone if they help us in some way.

Limited quality time: Not dedicating enough time to actively connect with each other to enrich the relationship; lacking meaningful conversations and shared enjoyable activities; living parallel lives without enough shared experiences that are fun, educational, bonding, relaxing or new.

Addictions: Having a dependency on opioids, alcohol, porn, gambling, etc.; avoiding or refusing help in addressing and overcoming the addiction(s); hiding addictions.

Taking things personally: Assuming the other dislikes and judges us for what we don’t like about ourselves; misinterpreting what the other is saying as blaming and judging us when they are not; taking negative comments to heart when it is the other person’s problem for communicating poorly; believing that the other person’s bad mood always has to do with us.

I am cheering you on to consider taking a look at how your relationships are doing through the lens of helpful vs. unhelpful patterns. As humans, we have a great capacity to evolve in healthy, positive ways; our relationships can certainly evolve as well. There is help and guidance available, such as individual therapy and couples therapy/coaching. My best to you as you step into your New Year’s “Evolution!”

Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with NonViolent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.