Let’s Talk Relationships: Building emotional intelligence for strong partnership

Amy Newshore 

Amy Newshore 

By AMY NEWSHORE

For the Recorder

Published: 09-06-2024 11:38 AM

Part 1 of a 2-part series

When you think of someone you consider to be intelligent, what comes to mind? Perhaps they are well-schooled, are good problem solvers, or are self-taught, knowledgeable and passionate about a subject. It is most common to believe that solely having a high IQ is what indicates intelligence.

However, intellectual ability, or IQ, isn’t enough on its own to achieve success in life. For example, it could help someone get into college, but it is emotional intelligence that helps manage the stresses and challenges of college life.

Dr. Daniel Goleman, author of “Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ,” redefines what it means to be smart, bringing to light how emotional intelligence is crucial in all areas of life, such as relationships, work, and health. In today’s column, I discuss how it is emotional intelligence that powerfully enables relationships to become stronger and to flourish.

Goleman describes emotional intelligence as the ability to identify and manage emotions within oneself and in interactions with others: “Whether it is with friends, partners, family members, colleagues or strangers, one’s ability to perceive, evaluate, express, and control emotions will shape the quality of those interactions.”

Dr. Jonice Webb, author of “Running on Empty,” coined the phrase “childhood emotional neglect” (CEN), and speaks to how “emotions help you to know and trust yourself, connect and motivate you, and assist you in finding meaning to make sense of the world. In order to live a fulfilling life, you need to feel.” She defines CEN as growing up in a family where one’s feelings have been ignored or discounted. Webb states: “When you grow up with emotional neglect, you may learn that your feelings are irrelevant and burdensome. And you may not get to learn some very important skills, such as how to name your feelings, put them into words, manage or share them.”

She points out how, as humans, we are emotional by design, with a brain and body wired to experience a range of feelings. She goes on to say “Your feelings give you invaluable information that provides you with a roadmap for how to live your life.”

I would like to add that when we make a habit of allowing ourselves to listen to and focus on any strong feelings that might be coming up within us, we can then direct our attention to the needs that are tied to those feelings. (Important: There are ALWAYS unmet needs underlying any “negative” or hard feelings.) For example, if we find ourselves frustrated and sad that our partner does not listen to us well, this illuminates important needs underlying our feelings, which, in this example are “to be heard and understood.”

Your Daily Puzzles

Cross|Word

Flipart

Typeshift

SpellTower

Really Bad Chess

Much of my role in working with couples involves helping partners listen to, accept, and respond to each other’s feelings and needs without getting offended or defensive. In my experience, couples find this to be so powerful that it can transform their struggling relationship into a flourishing one, in which there is enduring, loving connection.

Emotional intelligence: Five key skills

Self-awareness

Our ability to acknowledge and manage feelings (for example, hurt, sadness, fear, anger and joy) has a lot to do with our early emotional experiences. If our primary caretakers understood and valued our emotions, it’s likely that we would find it easier to feel and express our emotions in adult life. But, if our feelings as a child were not responded to with acceptance and support, we may have become confused about our feelings or uncomfortable having them, never mind expressing them. Although being human means that feelings will naturally come up in our inner world, it’s likely we have had to distance ourselves from them.

Regulating our own emotions

While it is important to know what emotions we are feeling, we don’t want to let them take over. The best decisions are usually not made when we are in the throes of raw emotion. We need to honor our emotions, and at the same time, think before speaking or acting.

Regulating our emotions never means denying them. We are mindfully handling them, so they don’t control us. Therefore, we can have our feelings, but resist any impulsive, destructive actions.

3. Offering empathy

Being able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes allows us to see things from another’s emotional standpoint. It is about seeing another person as having a right to their own feelings, needs, and opinions. We would all like this from others, right? When we understand our partner’s feelings (and therefore any related needs), and respond with empathy, the bond between us inevitably strengthens.

We may not be able to relate to someone quite different from us (and often partners are very different from each other), but finding a way to be respectful, curious, and open to understanding their perspective sends the message “We are different, but whatever you are experiencing matters to me.”

4. Listening well to understand the other

Listening well can be considered an art. It takes interest, focus, curiosity, and the intent to understand what it is our partner is trying to tell us. Truly listening has more to do with wanting to understand the other, rather than focusing on what we ourselves want to say in response. We can check out whether we are understanding the other correctly by sharing with them what we heard them say. This will go far in co-creating healthy conversations.

5. Self-expression

Emotionally intelligent people can express their thoughts, feelings, and needs skillfully. Expressing our love for our partner, as well as any other feelings that come up (such as vulnerable ones like hurt, jealousy, and fear), in ways that do not intimidate or attack our partner, offers the opportunity for deeper emotional connection and closeness.

Emotional intelligence can be developed, just like a muscle. The more it is used, the stronger it gets. I am cheering you on to practice these emotional intelligence skills with others in your life. I believe that you, and your relationships, will reap great benefits!

My October column offers Part 2, which is an opportunity to learn more. Stay tuned!

Amy Newshore is a couples therapist/coach who earned her Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Antioch New England University and went on to train in the Developmental Model for Couples Therapy along with NonViolent Communication which serve as the foundation of her work as a Relationship Coach. For more information visit her website at www.coachingbyamy.com.