It was an odd-looking brown paper envelope, about the size to hold a thick magazine, like Time or Newsweek or Technology Today, but in place of a postal mark and a cancellation, there was simply a large blue square containing the letters DOGE in red. It opened easily. There was just the right amount of adhesive on the flap. I pulled out 20 or 30 numbered pages with printing on both sides. The first page was a cover letter that read:

Dear Mr. Scott

It has come to our attention that you have been receiving Social Security payments in excess of your entitled benefits. The Department of Government Efficiency has installed Catchit, our new AI-enabled software with the capability to improve accounting standards and precisely analyze all Social Security transactions back to the origin of the system.

Catchit has determined that your FICA withholding amounts were incorrect for the years 1954, 1955, 1963, 1964, 1965, and 1967. The corrected accounting is provided in the enclosed documents. Also, you will note that for your convenience, Catchit has determined the penalties for each year and has calculated the compounded interest due for the penalties and underpayments.

The total amount due is $81,317 and payable by June 30, 2025. The interest rate used for the calculations is based on the prime rate for each period +5%. You will note that the accounting documents for each year in question have a file number which should be referenced in the event you wish to file a legal appeal. The DOGE thanks you for your cooperation in cutting taxes and making America great again.

Stunned, I removed the cover letter to reveal the first page of Catchit’s analysis for the year 1954. I recalled that it was the year that I got Tommy Sands’ paper route, after delivering all the papers for a year for a payment of $25 per month. I don’t remember paying any taxes that year as I simply paid the newspaper company the wholesale price for the papers (3.5 cents) and collected from the subscribers on my route at the retail rate (5 cents). I think I made about $36/week on average that year.

Reading through file 3077SF9821676693AM54, I found a spreadsheet format with a note saying that I had been self-employed and had paid neither the employee’s nor the employer’s FICA. There was a small penalty added to the amount of the unpaid tax. The killer was the compounded interest on the total. The spreadsheet showed everything for each month of earnings and multiplied by a number based on a compounding factor for the 70 years since.

A separate table showed how the compounding factor was calculated for the various periods. I was surprised to see how damaging the several years of high interest rates had been. I spent a few hours studying the various files and learned how they had been computed. An important element turned out to be their classification of my earnings for the different years.

The year I was a NASA fellow at Boston University was designated as self-employed. I thought I might make a case that BU was my employer and therefore I shouldn’t have to pay the employer’s FICA. I wondered how much in legal fees it would cost to challenge that in court. Also, the summer of work at Green Giant, where I had been paid 95 cents an hour with no FICA. Surely the Giant should have paid the employer’s part. Thank goodness MIT took out the required amount when I worked 12 hours a week for 95 cents an hour. That must have saved me thousands of dollars.

I wonder if Catchit will go after the big guys.

Ted Scott lives in Greenfield and is a member of the Senior Center writers group. Some parts of this story are made up.